Two years ago, today I flew to California from Germany with my daughter Sarina. Towards the future we still dream about: Together with five young people, she would move to Mulberry Village in Santa Rosa. A unique place for young people like her needing support and extra time to find their place in life. Think of high functioning autism spectrum. Only for better understanding but don't limit it to this. Labels never work. Mulberry Village would open its doors six months after we arrived. The universe aligned and dropped another gift in our hands. Santa Rosa Junior College offered a 6-semester college track for students like Sarina. The celebration we cooked up for her being admitted lit up our faces and the sky. College would start at the same time she'd move to Mulberry Village. To go to college was Sarina first wish in life, right next to a boyfriend and a nest of her own. Can you imagine how we felt? Yes, we thought we won the lottery. Moving us all back into one country was, of course, no piece of cake but it was necessary. And all three of us said: YES! After living in the U.S since 1986, Sarina was born a micro preemie in 1990, we couldn't find a program for her after she finished high school. We decided to move back to Germany in 2012. We wanted to help Sarina gain more independence and be closer to our families. In 2015 Jochen and I moved to Texas for work. Sarina stayed in Germany to finish an occupational program where she also lived in a group home. Believe me, I loved my empty nest. I had planned for it for a long time. But living an ocean apart? That was not the plan! I have a lot to say about plans in life...but keep that for later😌. We suffered daily morning heartaches knowing she was so far away. And felt rocks crashing down at us as we realized her living situation did not support her. It also affirmed how strong Sarina is - she did not complain at all. The parents creating Mulberry Village went through the same hunt for a program for their son as we did. I know its part of a special parent to take extra steps to support our children. Not finding what they wanted, they created Mulberry Village. You must know Sarina is very eager to engage in life with dreams all young people have. She has a zest for life. Living at home was not an option for her. Quite the opposite. She wants to belong to her peers. But living alone is not an option either. Her hiccups (that’ s how she calls her challenges) prevent her from doing so. Living under one roof again was as much a compromise for her as for us. I spare you who difficult it can be... But for this opportunity, it was worth the scarify. And - we would manage for six months. ✋🏼 to 💗! Parents like us don't have many choices. Unless we agree to something most of us can't accept. One, living in supported living institutions where our precious young adults live in the shadows of life (we have tried). Two have our adult kids live at home. Living at home? Until when? I'm writing a book about my journey with Sarina. The subtitle will be: I WILL NOT DIE UNTIL MY DAUGHTER BELONGS. Think about this. Moving us from Texas and Sarina from Germany to California? - how could we not have done it? How this plan fell apart is still a mystery to me. In October of 2017, days before she would move to Mulberry Village, it did not get the last license needed to open its doors. Even typing this now tugs at my heart. The founding parents gave up. They had invested more than their share to make this happen. They sold this magical place. With it the training facilities for woodwork and bicycle repair. The wildflower garden (Sarina would make plant dyes) and so much more. Oh, not to forget we had included a class for healthy lifestyle (you know who would run this one!🤸♂️). The journey from there to where we are now was a very difficult one. I'm thinking: Is this plan Y? And Z is on the horizon? I’m choosing to not think about Sarina’s age or mine. I’m thinking we will make this work! Asking for help from all directions. Dear Universe, please shower us with plan Z. We're ready! Sarina thrives in college, but it's only a two-day week for her. What can a young woman like her do who feels tied to her parents? What can we do to untie her? I don't have the answers yet. There are many stories to share how I roll out projects to support her to have meaning in life. She is a fantastic knitter, sells her hats to support her Taxi rides to town (a piece of independence for her). We're creating a website right now: www.sarinasuniverse.com It will offer a glimpse into her life, what she creates and sells and her translation services. Oh, and her Truth Drops. They are dynamite. Language is her gem. She edits my writing often but rolls her eyes telling me: "Mschen, how about your independence?" Sarina now carries a sadness, telling us she has no direction in life. I can only patch up this truth by ensuring her we understand and keep searching. I trust in her strong spirit and into the abundance of joy she owns and shares. There must be a plan for her. It takes a willingness to make the next step when I want to give up. But my mantra is: The next step, like the next breath, is always possible. My surrender muscle has grown, and so my belief in who else I am but the mother to my child. For the time being we’re inviting young women from Germany to live with us to be Sarina’s companion. It works. I can free up some time to do what I love and tend to my marriage. I share my tools from my inspiring work and life as a yogi with parents like me and everyone wanting to thrive no matter what. We need to have soul nourishing self-care in our life to feel the most important thing at all. It's called: 💗Self-Love! and Self-Care gifts us with Self-Love. 💗 If we show up to this truth, our cup will not be empty. No matter the obstacles. What's on my daily schedule? I hop on my 🏝Tiny Islands* to walk my talk every day. Need Inspiration? Sign up for my newsletter to bet a weekly support. Embrace What's Possible! Always with Love, Manuela AuthorManuela Rohr is a writer and Yoga teacher/therapist BDY/EYU, C-IAYT. With roots in Germany she now lives with her husband and daughter in Santa Rosa, CA. She is the mother of a micro preemie girl and shares her healing journey in her blogs and teachings. She shares her transformational Yoga and Mindfulness lessons in workshops and private sessions. She offers support for special moms in her private FB group.
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Life with my daughter on the Autism Spectrum. Sarina has a difficult time right now. She is grieving her limitations. She's all too aware of what she calls: "my hiccups" and that's painful. Like for all of us, when we hit a wall, or when life throws massive obstacles on our path we either grow, get stuck or shrink. Either way, it hurts at first. Right? And we need help. Or learn how to ask for help. A difficult concept for someone on the autism spectrum. Sarina is gentle hearted and carries a natural smile. She loves life. But she doesn't share her feelings easily. She turns a bit pale, is teary-eyed and more withdrawn when she carries pain in her heart. It takes a gentle way of inquiry for her to open up. Until finally, her pain pours out of her: "I feel invisible. Like we're all squashed into a bubble floating around campus. Like nobody sees us or knows about us," is how she explains her struggle. Making sure I don't misunderstand, she adds: "I love college and my teachers, but most of the other students on campus don't know enough about us." College is her sanctuary, her dream come true. What she observes is the challenge of her life. And mine. With us she means the group of 20 students who follow a unique curriculum in smaller classrooms. The typical classes she yearns to attend are often too fast-paced for her. And so is social life on campus. The life she craves to belong. It pains her to walk her path mostly alone. Autism spectrum is a diagnosis that can mean a lot of things. Of course, not one person on the spectrum is like the other. It describes people with social, communication, and sensory issues. Labels don't fit. What I know to be true is clear. Sarina's struggles don’t have to do with being capable but with having the right support and environment and a willingness to think outside the box:
Sarina and most of her peers don't have the skills to burst the bubble. Her social skills are awkward. It depends on us the neurotypical people to step inside the bubble, spend some time inside to understand better how we can help. How we can soften the loneliness. How we can open their world. That's the path I am on. That's what I want to create for her. A circle of support, or that village every child needs. Only for her the consciousness of the village needs to evolve. Mindfulness is required, the willingness to stop and look outside the box is essential. Every day. It's humbling. My daughter's challenges are putting the mirror right in front of my face to practice what I teach. Which starts with honesty and leads to: Self-care and self-reflection
My daughter's chain can easily become mine. I need to make sure I cut mine in order to help her loosen hers. I learned from Maya Angelou: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Love always, I don’t shine if you don’t shine! Manuela for mothers of special needs children
and for all who love inspirational words. On my journey into the online world of doing business the left side of my brain had some serious catch up to do. Analytical thinking, the logic behind this beast-of-communication elopes me on a regular basis. But giving up on it was not an option - it never is! Help was difficult to find unless one hires a virtual assistant that works with your budget.(almost impossible!) The universe was against me 😉. Everyone I asked didn't know the how-to's either. Today help arrived. I met with a young 17-year-old woman. One of my friends connected us. Not only was the clickable link created in a minute, but my other questions were answered in five. It feels as if magic moves in, when things finally work out. Life flows, the breath deepens, joy takes residence in our bodies and makes everything easier. Why are we tested and get stuck forever? I don't know. I gave up on asking "why"!😉 All I know is 💡it's often the little things driving us nuts. If we enter new territory; if we want to learn something new - and yes, WE SHOULD! it holds golden nuggets as a reward - we need PATIENCE. We need to keep going how ever small the steps are. I have created the "Eight Sacred Gifts" as a freebie for my future subscribers and the special program I'm building for mothers who walk in my shoes. And of course for you💛. My loyal students, subscribers and friends! Thank you! It means so much to me to have you as my readers and to know you are somewhere out there rooting for me. I hope you are well and yoga or something else meaningful keeps you springy and balanced. And remember, never give up no matter the challenge. I know how it feels. So here is the magic creation in just f o u r letters. For my freebie, please click: HERE On my journey into the online world of doing business the left side of my brain had some serious catch up to do. Analytical thinking, the logic behind this www-beast-of-communication elopes me on a regular basis. But giving up on it was not an option - it never is! Help was difficult to find unless one hires a virtual assistant that works with your budget.(impossible!) The universe was against me 😉. Everyone I asked didn't know the how-to's either. We are in Germany right now, and I set out to solve this annoyance forever. Today I met with a young 17-year-old woman. One of my friends connected us. Not only was the clickable link created in a minute, but my other questions were answered in five. It feels as if magic moves in, life flows, the breath deepens, joy takes residence and makes everything easier. Why are we tested and get stuck forever? I don't know. I gave up on asking "why"!😉 Virginia and Sarina became friends on the spot. She had at 26-year-old special sister who passed last year. Tonight Virginia is going with Sarina and I to an event downtown! There was no explaining needed. Thank you universe🙏🏼 I have created the "Eight Sacred Gifts" as a freebie for my future subscribers and the special program I'm building for mothers who walk in my shoes. And of course for you💛. My loyal students, subscribers and friends! Thank you! It means so much to me to have you as my readers and to know you are somewhere out there rooting for me. I hope you are well and yoga or something else meaningful keeps you springy and balanced. And remember, never give up no matter the challenge. I know how it feels. So here is the magic creation in just f o u r letters. For my freebie, please click: HERE Always with love! Manulea PS: 💗I don't shine if you don't shine! PPS: I trust this HERE works for you. Let me know it arrived and what you think; it will increase my joy! Always with love! Manuela PS: 💗I don't shine if you don't shine! PPS: I trust this HERE works for you. Let me know in the comments it arrived and what you think; it will increase my joy! Dear Papa and forever Opa Karl!
Do you remember the time you forced me to sit on the dinner table until I had shuffled down the last bite of food? No, you had no mercy. Food was sacred to you; not a morsel to waste. "Eat what's on your plate," end of story. Spinach😐. I was a lousy eater. But spinach, spinach was my number one enemy. You grew it with a passion. We lived from what you planted like most people at the time. And things changed, I grew out of my aversions and started to love and worship fresh and local food. And spinach! I still prepare it like mom always did. With a hint of garlic and nutmeg and a touch of cream swirled in at the end. My favorite story and my most profound sense of gratitude to you have to do, of course with spinach. The same spinach I hated so much as a girl. It was Spring of 1992. Sarina was 18 months old and we moved back to Germany to be closer to you for a while. Sarina was still ill from her early beginnings and on oxygen at night. She developed one of the many pneumonias she had as a child. Gravely sick we spend a few days in the hospital. It's part of the life of a micro preemie child. When we came home, she couldn't hold any food down. Her coughs were heartbreaking. You and mom took turns visiting me every day to help me stay strong. Something freshly cooked, warm and tasty arrived with your visit. I forget to eat, lose weight when in worry. Moms food unearthed my appetite each time. Sarina was heavy and hard to carry. She didn't walk or crawl at the time. My arms or the stroller were the only way of transportation. Your arms and mom’s lap where so much more then relief for my shoulders. They showed love. Unconditional love. The morning she kept her tea and a bit of food down I called you to celebrate. "Papa, Sarina is healing, she kept her tea and an inch of banana down!" I heard your voice crack. Speaking about emotions was not your thing. You wanted to stop by later. At 11:30 the doorbell rang. It was you. All sweaty and a helmet on your head you handed something wrapped in a kitchen towel to me: "Frischer Spinat vom Garten. Mama hat in grade gekocht. Für Sarina." Fresh spinach from the garden, from Mama. For Sarina. Sarina had fallen in love with my mom's spinach. Papa, you biked 40 minutes to deliver your love to us. In the basket of your bike. In the form of spinach for your grandchild. That spinach holds everything and anything I could ever want from a dad and the Opa or Grandfather you were. Your grandchildren and we came first. Fierce love in action. I love you. I miss you so fiercely now. Thank you for showing me what love means. Happy Father’s Day Papa, 💗because of you, they eat spinach in heaven! Deine Manuela Some blissful things are happening in Santa Rosa. Here's what's on my mind and what I'm up to. So far the creation of Sarina's label and how we got here is the highlight of the year. Most of you know, supporting Sarina in her quest to have a meaningful life is my number one priority. She will be 28 in August. How Yoga supports me on my journey has become my mission to share. Like all mothers, I stand up for my daughter's future. All mothers who are raising kids with challenges know, it's incredibly stressful. A 24/7 that often feels like it's the never-ending story. Where do I begin and my daughter ends is a tough question to answer. Hello, boundaries! Hello, self-reflection! Like a prayer, I have asked myself the question: "What other dreams do I have besides being a mother to my child?" The answer lets me follow my passion and find fulfillment in my work. "The jewel hides in the acceptance," is my daily stretch. ⭐️At 62 I am still a full-time mom while I’m an advocate of the empty nest. I devote a good part of my week turning every stone around to find or create a place for Sarina where she can live and thrive. ⭐️Yoga is my everyday companion. I learn all the skills to live a fulfilled life "no matter what" on my mat. My A-Z’s list of some of the qualities it helps me to foster is below. ⭐️I'm in the process of writing a book! I need to let this sentence sit here by itself. Yes, I'm writing a book. It's one of the more significant dreams I keep moving to the top of my bucket list. I'm learning to use my words and my story for healing, myself and others and find inspiration through my writing coach Laura (www.lauraprobert.com) "We get better with practice," is true for everything we do. From the yoga mat to the writing pad to any skill we want to own. With Sarina moving back home a year ago my focus has shifted. The time to teach workshops is limited. Private lessons are still my gem; my home studio is my paradise. And, my new path into offering yoga and mindfulness on the virtual platform is on the way! I'm creating workshops for special moms for my online community. I'm building a private Facebook group to offer support to women like me. If you know someone who can benefit, please share my contact with them. I know some of you are not on Social Networks. In case you want to have a peak I leave my page info below. I will continue to share my path and yogic adventures with you via this newsletter. Please know, you are important to me. My yoga roots stretch from Germany to Ohio to California to Texas and back to California again. And you are a significant part of this journey. I know time will come and teaching groups and retreats will be on my portfolio again. Wherever you live when I see your name on my list, my smile lights up my day and I'm sending "hugs on wings" to you! Now here is Sarina's adventure to own her first label: Sarina started knitting hats as a means to show her support for Women Rights and the personal freedom she stands for. We went on two marches, created posters and T-Shirts. She attends every forum or presentation in college and wants to be an active part of the political scene. And of course, we wear her hats and evil eye wrist warmers whenever possible. She is an activist and stands up for minorities. She speaks from experience. I posted a picture of her first projects on Facebook. Many friends wanted a hat like hers; Today she has knitted and sold seven hats, one scarf and a set of evil eye wrist warmers. Her audience is located around the globe: Germany, Hawaii, Ohio, Georgia and California. Two more hats are on order, going to Walnut Creek, CA and Hamburg, Germany. Sarina owns every single step knitting her creations. Helping her is not possible. She feels asking for or accepting help makes her dependable. She yearns to be independent. My heart goes out to her. It sucks being held back by things you cannot change. Every step on her way to the life she dreams about takes so much more effort than I ever needed. I score high and low every day on the patient muscle I need to grow. I can function as her marketing girl, the motivator and her memory bank. Focusing on the everyday "must do" and "have to" is hard for her. Only if her daily to-do list mentions: PINK HAT! will she remember to knit. "I've lost my list, today is canceled," could be Sarina’s tack line. A blog post with that title is in process. Last week she said: "Now, I want to knit hats for preemies in the NICU!” I loved everything about this idea and asked her if she wants to hire staff. After all, the very first hat she ever wore was knitted by Yours truly!
"Will I have to pay them?”😂 she asked? She is considering. Yesterday her label was born. Here is part of the announcement we posted on Facebook: Ladies and Gentlemen! 🥁 May we introduce Sarina's first label! 💗"PREEMIE COUTURE" − knits by Sarina and her sub-label 💗"PREEMIE COUTURE" − "Tiny Toppers for Tiny Ones"− knits by Sarina The next step is creating small tags to go with her knits. It will be exciting! I added a list of my A-Zs from my life as a mother and a Yogi and of course the life of a knitter😅. All qualities I want to foster and strengthen to be able to say 100% YES to my life: AWARENESS + ACCEPTANCE BRAVERY + BREATH COURAGE DISCIPLINE EFFORT + ENDURANCE FAITH GRIT HUMOR INSIGHT JOCHEN😂 ups JOY! KNOWLEDGE LOVE MAGIC NERVES OPENNESS PATIENCE QUEENSHIP RESILIENCE SURRENDER TOLERANCE UNIQUENESS VICTORY WONDER + WISDOM X anyone???🎯 YIELDING ZEST 🎯Send me your word(s); I'd love to add them. Dear Friends! Be well! P a u s e often to b r e a t h e and remember to appreciate yourself. Forgive and share your love freely is worth every letter on this page. Let's 💡 together today and tomorrow and in the middle of it all! Sending hugs on wings! 🌷Manuela [email protected] www.yogawithmanuela.com FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/manuela.rohr FACEBOOK YOGA: https://www.facebook.com/yogawithmanuela/ FACEBOOK #BE SARINA: https://www.facebook.com/sarina24weeks/ 🚎 BUS TRAINING IN FULL SWING! Please read if you want to support Sarina!😇 Sarina is back in college. Her second semester started last week. We added a new step into independence: She wants to get around town on her own. Bus training was needed! Within a week Sarina managed to ride the bus to college alone!😳 . Surprised I savored that victory. Her mobility coach gave the green flag after a few days of training. It's a long ride, 21 stops and 45 minutes long. Sarina needs to change bus at the transit mall.... a place I am not fond of...too loud, too many busses, too many people. The first day she did it alone I shadowed her in my car. Only to get flagged down at that busy place. I was not supposed to drive into the transit mall🤓...my small 2-seater couldn't compete with the buses. I hope my husband is not reading this. We have lovely people in Santa Rosa. They understood why I was there😆 and guided me out. Of course, I lost Sarina in the process. I am glad I have grown my surrender muscle💪🏼 through the years. It got a good workout that day! I drove to college to see her arrive. I didn't know which bus she would catch. Would she be in the right one and arrive on time? Head high, a smile on her face she did! Of course, I was hiding! She dropped me this text😆 : "DARLING I'D LOVE A SEPHORA GIFT CARD🎁 FOR 🐣. I MADE IT, I ARRIVED! THANK YOU IN ADVANCE." now that's Sarina💗 🙏🏼 NOW COMES MY WISH FOR YOUR SUPPORT: On the way home, she gets lost. The last eight stops or so look all the same. Trees... houses. No real landmark. She misses to get off. It already happened a few times. Her brain turns off in no time and focus is gone. The problem is, Sarina is very frustrated by this. "I know the route, I know exactly what to do and then... this brain just stops paying attention...Mschin... (that's me) help! I cannot let that happen." I would be totally fine to leave this for now. Sarina can take the bus there, and I pick her up on the way home. No way. She won't have it. 1. she doesn't get the certificate she is after. 2. she likes her coach, and if she can't master this, the coach is in trouble with the hierarchy from above😐 3. independence is at stake I wrecked my brain, drove the stretch a few times, discussed it with smart people who should know. No solution. Last night I got an idea. Two hours ago we put it into action! I bought a bunch of glitter ribbon, and we hung them on the light poles close to her home station. Red and purple and pink, her colors. I🍀 I pray no one is taking them down. 🍀 I pray she can spot the ribbons on time. 🍀 I pray she get's off that bus. ✊🏼✌🏼TOMORROW, FRIDAY AROUND 2:45 PM P.T., please send her 💗 🇩🇪 that's midnight for my German peeps. 🕛 Mitternacht in Deutschland🤞🏼✊🏼 I'll keep in touch! 💗 I belong to a group called “micro preemie moms.” It's one of my titles 😊. Sarina is a micro preemie. A micro baby is a baby born before 26 weeks gestation. Sarina was born at 24 weeks. Today a mother in the group asked to send the last picture of being pregnant with our micro baby. I have this pic in my favorites. Sarina often asks to see it. It was I know to the second what I felt and thought and of course where I was taken eight days before Sarian was born. On my second anniversary. 🦋 Hopeful. 💓 Happy. 🦋 Expecting. And 🌕 Full of WELTVERTRAUEN, a perfect German word for trust and confidence into the universe. It took me many years to gain the last one back. Because I am the mother of this extraordinary young woman called Sarina and an advocate for living a mindful life I cannot let this sit here without answering this questions: 💎 How did I do it? Which brings forward the question: 💎 Do you know who my most significant teacher was? 💎 Who was picking me up each time I crushed? My soul's companion and best friend is called Yoga. 💡 Yoga taught me that the obstacles on our path are the path. Boy does that hit home when I fight against yet another obstacle I have to overcome. Everything I need I learn on and off my mat by seeking an authentic life with huge pockets of joy and adventure and silence and acceptance embedded within. It’s written in the Yamas and Niyamas, my Yoga friends you know what they are. And for you my friends who don’t, they are the ten guidelines every Yoga practice should be built upon. Well, every life should: ⭐️The five Yamas teach us: How to behave in the world. Nonviolence. Truthfulness. Nonstealing. Moderation. Nonpossessiveness. ⭐️The five Niyamas teach us: How to act with ourselves. Purity. Contentment. Self-discipline. Self-Study. Surrender. They are my mirror at night when I reflect on how well I have participated in my life no matter how stuck I felt. 🙏🏼I bow my head to this one. Today my micro preemie is 27 years + a few months old. No matter how challenging it is at times, I take action every day and choose to be: 🦋 Hopeful. 💓 Happy. 🦋 Expecting. And 🌕 Full of WELTVERTRAUEN, a perfect German word for trust and confidence into the universe. This week marks the end of Sarina's first semester at Santa Rosa Junior College! She is in her finals. Today is the last day of tests. She will do a verbal presentation of her portfolio. She spent hours and hours polishing it to make it shine. And sleepless nights worrying it might still not be good enough.
Last night she presented it to us. No, not on the fly. That's not a quality Sarina owns. Everything takes a tremendous amount of time. I am with her on every leg of this ride. My husband and I are both, of course, rooting for her. She did a fantastic job! She managed college life to the dot. It's her world. It's genuinely her dream come true. Having Sarina move back home was the only way she could do what she loves: to learn about the world and to use her knowledge to advocate for others. We had to face incredible hard circumstances as a family. I had to give up my empty nest. I had to put my dream on hold. Our family of three turned my married life upside down. Sarina is exhausting. She is not your typical young adult. She needs support in all corners of life. I often feel like I am supporting ten people at once. All ten in the body of one person. ⭐️ a young child I need to hold space for so she is safe. ⭐️ a teenager that pushes boundaries and fights her limitations ⭐️ a bright young adult living up to her dream by going to college, deserving every inch of support I can master. Add a good dose of: Attention Deficit Auditory and Visual Processing delays Executive Function issues Sensory Defensiveness and the conviction that she can do it all alone and you might get a glimpse into the struggles we have. Not to forget the incredibly charismatic and soul aligned young women she is. She moves hearts. She offers to help every step she takes. She adds love to the world. Almost all human emotions are showing up on a daily basis. The harder ones are when Sarina is not living up to a skill she already owns. When she has mastered her schedule for three days, but it might fall apart on the fourth. When I have started to trust, but things fall apart again. That's when I get undone. That's when my humanness becomes real. I have been into this for 27 years. I bite the hook when this happens. I lose it. I crush. And then I stand up again and remember what I know is the only way to be and survive. I practice: To breathe! To not bite the hook which takes a tremendous amount of learning and self-reflection. But it is possible. My work brings this skill to my life and the world. And then, I forgive myself. I move on and fail better next time. On a daily basis. It's a full life. But, it wouldn't be full if I forget one more important thing to add. It's a skill that stands for healthy parenting besides all the support and unconditional love we share. Mothers of special needs children more so then others need to look deeply within themselves to discover what they are burning for. "Who are you besides being the mother of this child?" is a question we must ask. I am on that journey with you. I know how difficult it is. I see the sacrifices. Over the 27 years, I have supported my daughter I have learned to ask again and again: "What is my mission besides raising this extraordinary child? What do I want to bring into the world?" I show Sarina what it means to be a mother. The bright side as well as the dark moments. And at the same time, I let her witness how I built my dream. By doing so, she learns to understand where she ends and I begin. I show her the passion I have for my work. She knows me on the yoga mat as much as she knows me in the kitchen. I let her be part of the calling I feel to share the tools I gather from my life with other parents who are in a similar boat. And most of all she witnesses me get ready, not giving up while still being the wholehearted parent I am. We just need a little more time. We will master that next step. She will have her nest while I will be the proud owner of: MY EMPTY NEST. Again. We are both waiting for the very moment Sarina gets a chance to move on. We as a family deserve this. And if you are in our boat, you do too! Love, Manuela www.yogawithmanuela.com A note about us: If you don't know us personally or have not met Sarina but you live with circumstances like ours, this is my way of telling you how I choose to be. This journey of raising a child with particular challenges might take longer, is harder, is heartbreakingly challenging and often soul-crushing sad. And yet it is profoundly gratifying and 100% worth it if you celebrate the little steps and keep holding your dream in front of your eyes. You must realize your own worth apart from your child. All things I have put on hold are still there. I am grooming and cherishing them. Also, for now, my daughter comes first. Don't let anyone tell you different. Don't let anyone compare your very special job with theirs unless they are doing what you do. I struggle. I leap. I fail. I succeed. I can help you do the same. Drop me a note below or send me an email or sign up for my newsletter. I'd love to be in touch with you! DEAR FRIENDS OF SARINA, I WROTE THIS LETTER TODAY BECAUSE MY HOPES NEEDED A VOICE. Dear Universe,
I know you know this young woman. She is your daughter as much as she is mine. I have some questions for you. "Can you hear me? This week I feel I am using the wrong frequency to get in touch with you." "Of course I hear you. I see you right now looking out of the window marveling at the beauty of the land." "Oh, great. You know I see everything. I hug my trees. I, not for ones have I driven by Adam without saluting to him. I am on my mat most mornings. And if I'm not it's because I am journaling. I seek support from my angel deck. I honor my crystals, carrying one in my bra right now. Nature is my sanctuary. But, don't distract me with that now." "Oh, wow... slow down. What's burning?" "See, that's precisely it. I have asked you as nicely as I could to empty my nest. What did I overlook to make this happen?" "Everything takes time." "You hit the spot. Listen, I am fed up. I am suffocating. And so is my daughter. I bargained for six months to have her move back home. Knowing darn well what sacrifices that will bring. I did it wholeheartedly. You know that. I put my dream on hold. So I can help her create hers. That's my job. No regrets. She is living up it. Even in the mids of our city being on fire, she studied her books. Thank you. But... just to update you - it has been 9 months and 7 days today." "Breathe. Mschen breathe." "Ha, you're doing it again. You are giving me advice like the rest of the world. I hate you." "ups, no I don't hate you, sorry. But from my point of view, you're not stepping up to the plate. You are leaving me hanging. Mulberry did not get licensed. In case you were too busy to pay attention. I moved Sarina's belongings yesterday. Said goodbye to the beautiful place she should be living in by now. I did let it go." "Good job." "Sorry, that's not good enough. I keep my to-do list in the dust. I will be out hugging Adam as soon as I push send. I breathe. I pray. I ask for help. What else do I need to do?" "I hear you." "And?" "Why are you not answering? All I need is a phone call from that one place within our reach that has an opening for her. What's so damn hard for you to arrange this for us? Sarina is ready. We are." "What else?" "Your promise for my empty nest is three months late. Every day is a challenge. I master it most days, and I blow up on others. I am rooting for you." "Yes. I'll put my foot down for you now. " "O.k. I trust. I surrender. Let that phone ring." "I count on you." "T O D A Y!" Love, Manuela Brave warrior heart - Chain breaker - Unfuckwithable* "I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of your heart's longing." Oriah Mountain Dreamer * as mentioned by Vishen Lakhiani December 6th is St. Nikolaus Tag in Germany. ...and a day my husband and I will remember forever. I have two reasons to celebrate today. The first reason is the celebrating of this tradition. Traditions give me guidance in how to support Sarina in her quest to connect with her roots. Like never before, this year and these last few weeks especially I feel an almost urgent drive to go on the treasure hunt of my past. It's an exciting feeling like I am going on a journey that has been sitting on my bucket list forever. A gentle voice is knocking itself into my consciousness every morning saying: "remember this? Go write it down!" It's the stories we share with each other that help us to get to know ourselves better. We laugh and cry and argue and heal almost all at the same time. All while hearing someones story. I have the best time ever when I can share my stories with Sarina. Last night she came to my bedroom: "Mschen can you read Oma Aloisias story again to me?" Of course. I shared it on my FB page yesterday because it was Oma's 140 Birthday! Well after I pushed publish my older sister reminded me to do the math again. Mhhh, she would have been 130☺️. I did read the story to her and ended up with a heated discussion of why Oma did not understand that a woman's right to speak her truth is a human right. "Did she die believing that we women should not raise our voice?" Unfortunately, I had to say: "yes she did. You have to understand her in the context of the time she lived." A too big of a concept for Sarina at midnight. 🎅🏼 TODAY is Nikolaustag in Germany and the German-speaking part of Europe. It was a big day for me as a child. Our Santa Claus does not come through the chimney on Christmas Day. His prime time in Germany is today. Christmas is the day for the Christkindl in my tradition. It secretly shows up and drops the gifts under the tree on Christmas Eve. Nikolaustag was holding the hope for praise and small gifts from St. Nikolaus but also the fear of being called out by his nasty companion Knecht Rupprecht. He is some lousy and fearsome character, intimidating to a small child. Dressed in a dark robe with a hood covering most of his face he scared the shit out of us. I checked with Wikipedia, and his role supposedly survived the Middle Ages. A period that saw parents employing fear as a means of scaring kids into good behavior. He would secretly arrive at the homes of children and ask parents about their kids performance. Depending on the response he would give switches to the ones that needed it. I am a witness of this; it was very scary to watch. The opposite character graced St. Nikolaus. He was sweet, looked like a beautiful Santa Claus, kind and forgiving. He handed small gifts to the "good" children. I mostly lucked out; I remember being mentioned ones. Knecht Rupprecht told me to start listening better to my parents. But - he didn't spank me. I was surprised because they put me in time out most of the time. At least that's how it felt to me. But I remember my brother crying when Knecht Rupprecht called him out. He did get spanked. As I sit here, I am amazed how my body is holding this memory of not being good enough in his bones. We spend a lifetime to get rid of the punishments we should never have received in the first place. In later years and up until today we put our freshly polished boots, let's highlight "freshly polished boots" outside the front door. Dirty boots have no chance! When the sky turns dark, it will get quiet in the homes. A loud knock will announce a surprise. I already run an argument with Sarina today. Her boots are not in a shiny shape, and when I pointed it out, I got to hear: "Mschen, you are so old-fashioned. Nobody is polishing their shoes anymore." But she does look forward to tonight! If the shoes shine and stand outside, we find nuts and small sweets and treats inside of them. As I type this, it's starting to get dark outside. I have a few moments left to finish here. A different memory is 27 years old! December 6, 1990 I remember it like yesterday. A grey and snowy day in Cincinnati, OH. I was driving home from the grocery store at 3:30 pm. I remember what car I drove and which street I was on. Pam called me: "All is well, but come to the hospital fast." Pam was Sarina's primary nurse in the NICU. (Hello Pam, we still love you!) Sarina was almost four months old when she finally extubated herself and was able to breathe on her own. And that on St. Nikolas Day! I was harboring this tremendous hope that she would be home for Christmas. Getting rid of the respirator was the first necessary step! It did not work out that way. She didn't come home until February of 1991. She had tried three times before to pull the nasal cannula out but never made it. Her lungs would not support her desperate wish to get rid of that scratching thing in her nose. Right there in these months when she fought for her life she showed that "I can do it and I can do it alone" attitude, which makes her the extraordinary young woman she is. The "I can do it alone," is killing me on a daily basis while at the same time makes me extremely happy. None of what Sarina has accomplished would ever happen without this strong will to survive. Today it puts her in the position to keep reaching for her dreams. She is a fighter. I know I need to be her parachute for a little longer so she can fly! When I look at this picture, I not only see this moment come alive. I feel the same soul touching excitement and tremendous hope I felt that day. "My daughter will survive!" Let me dry up my happy tears now and help to fill those boots and celebrate! Happy Nikolaus Day! Love always, Manuela |
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