Today, is the 4th of December. It's my grandmothers Birthday.
She would have turned 140 years old! 🌷
I feel more connected to my tradition this year. I feel connected to my home in Santa Rosa, more than to any other place I have lived for a long time. I remember my roots as a reflection of who I am. I mirror my life in them. I am curious.
What lessons did I receive? What shaped me? Which stories burn in my heart? Which ones have I let go? Which ones are still waiting for their exit?
My grandmother was a grumpy even bitter old woman. She didn't like me much because I was my father's child. Very much like him. Too fast, to sporty, to noisy, too much laughter. Too much sun on our skin and not well behaved enough. Not a good Catholic, not good enough in prayer was one of the sins she despised me for. I was afraid of her harsh judgment. And for my father? He was not good enough for my grandmothers standards. End of story.
My mother suffered under her meanness. She was not like her.
I revisited the hurt I felt by her rejection for as long as I needed to heal and move on. I did. I learned from her behavior: I will have nothing of this. There is no such thing as not a good enough human being. I will not bigger behind people's back. Well, I learned not to. I worked hard to find my voice and I am still learning.
The last Christmas season we celebrated in the United States after moving here in 1987 was in 2009.
We lived in Orinda, CA at the time. In 2010 we moved back to Germany. To our roots we thought, but now it feels more like an uprooting to me.
In 2015 we moved to Texas... let me tell you, that's another adventure of it's kind. Sarina stayed on in Germany.
In an almost overnight and very happy decision, we moved to Santa Rosa in April of this year and Sarina followed.
Goodbye Empty Nest for me. For now. For a bit too long I feel, but what do I know which lessons I will get to cherish from this?
I vow to have an Empty Nest again. I ordered it. Yes. It's one phone call away.
There is a whole story written of what happened this year. So much did not go as planned. And much more did. LOL, who invented the word "plan" anyway? As I reflect, I learn that one of my superpowers is
Another one, I am a
💪🏼 WARRIOR WOMAN.
I don't give up. I fight back. I know how fear looks like and challenge it. It has to go on its knees so I can move towards my dreams. With a deep breath I step over my obstacles - every day.
💪🏼 I bend but, I don't break.
I feel a few more superpowers arising as I type. I am growing something big. I dare to say this out loud:
💪🏼 I do manifest. It's in the power of my soul. I am getting clear about what I want and: I ask for it out loud.
Oma Aloisia would not want any of that. Her imagined resistance to the woman I am makes me smile today. I would stand up to her now and love her anyway.
🎄Crafting our advent wreath and preparing the home for the Holidays brings me back to memories of her and my childhood. To my roots. I feel them grow strong and reach out to the word. I know they give me the strength to stand up when I fall and to stand tall.
Being in this reflective mood, my grandma's birthday today is one of the memories that just pop up. Perhaps she wants me to celebrate?
She gave birth to 10 children! Only 4 survived into adulthood. Two lost their lives in World War II. My mother, the youngest, and her brother Leo, the oldest were the only one still alive when they had to leave their home, their friends and memories behind. They were part of the expulsion of Germans from Czechoslovakia after World War II. I am a child of all of this.
So much to tell here. I feel it coming... the book I have been dreaming and speaking about? It wants to come out. I had no plan to write this much today. My fingers did!
As the sky turns dark outside my window, I look at that picture of her. I will get up now and light the advent candle for her. She would approve of that. She would smile. Sarina will soak up the story. She is our families history queen.
I will bow my head to everything my grandma went through, everything she taught me. I will salute her tonight!
Happy Birthday, Oma Aloisia!🌷
Here is a thing that slipped in... sorry Oma... AND thanks to my older sister Evi for picking it up and counting better.... OMA ALOiSIA TURNED 130 yesterday not 140! ☺️